Part 1
Narrator:
Once upon a time in an obscure part of the Milky Way galaxy there was a spinning ball of water and rock ruled by the forces of evil. The devil himself, proud of the magnificent achievements of his children decided to call a special banquet for the greatest thieves in all the land. He sent invites to thousands of the greatest murderers, rapists, pimps and general assorted scum and let them know to attend his palace at the dawn of the new moon. Each thief would be given a chance to stake his claim as the greatest messenger of murder upon the planet and the devil himself would decide who should be crowned king. After many days of deliberating all the petty thieves such as street criminals had been found far short of the required level of wickedness and there were just four sets of thieves left in the competition. They were, the Monarchs of the Empire, A Cartel Of Bankers, The heads of religious orders and the ‘third world’ Dictators. Each set of thieves appointed a spokesman to give his case to the devil; we have recorded these events for posterity.
Narrator:
First up was the thief with the worst reputation
The Dictator of the third world nation
He looked the devil in the eye as he spoke in an oh so serious tone
‘THIRD WORLD’ DICTATOR:
Dear Mr. Devil I am the greatest thief
There has ever been on the earth
Please tell me who else more than me personifies your work?
I came to power in a military coup
I murdered the elected president
He wanted to use the resources of our country for our own peoples benefit
I proved to masters in the west I could kill my own people
Just was well as the best
So I took over the so-called independent country
When the foreigners left
Sent squads of death for those that suggest
In power should be the one they elect
Erected a statue of the great man
That raped our mothers and stole our lands
That’s how little self-respect that I have
Don't fight slavery it makes me glad
Account in Switzerland, Rolls Royce
Murder and rape cos I want new toys
Don't want a portion but a whole fortune
With that kind of profit what’s a little bit of torture?
Even outlawed my indigenous culture and language and history
And taught our people to only worship colonizers and of course
Me
CHORUS:
Thieves
It’s the banquet of the thieves
Come and dine with me
It’s the banquet of the thieves
It’s the banquet of the thieves
Narrator:
The devil was impressed with this wonderful man
He almost ejaculated on his own hands
But the monarch of the empire said
Monarch of Empire:
Excuse me Mr. Devil
I would like to speak if I may?
But who do you think trained this amateur
Dictator to behave this way?
Yeah I am sure before I came along
His country was far from heaven
But look at the carnage I caused all over the earth its gotta be the work of a devil
Countless deaths mass enslavement
Deliberate starvation of whole nations
The dictator tries his best but looking at me he is just an imitation
Who do you think pays his wages?
He would love to be trading places
I’ve been doing this ting on the roads way back, way back, way back
Since the Middle Ages
Everybody knows he's a criminal element
They think I’m democratic and benevolent
And that shows I’m really devilish
Cos people think I’m heaven sent
I could not care about democracy
You all know no one elected me
But the citizens love me despite my crimes
Sucker emcees wana bite my shine
So blinging so out of control you would vomit
Don't even touch dough but my face is still on it
CHORUS:
Thieves
It’s the banquet of the thieves
Come and dine with me
It’s the banquet of the thieves
It’s the banquet of the thieves
Part 2
Religious leader:
I’m a pervert using the cloak of the clergy. I’m a pervert using the cloak, I’m a despicable character. I use my position of authority and spiritual reverence. I’m a despicable character.
Mr. devil allow me to speak
For all the religious leaders that leech
In the world of creeps I’m initiated
I take the peoples faith and I dissipate it
With false promises, hollow oratory
Don’t need a gun it’s daylight robbery
Dear Mr. devil I thought you would like it
I use their faith in god to keep them blinded
Put on a nice voice, read them a book
Some how they think that I'm not a crook
I tell them go will repay them in the next
They give me their life savings so I can buy jets
All the reports about child sex
None of us have ever gone to jail yet
A system of stealing so appealing
Convinces its victims their lives have meaning
Monarchs boast about conquest
But needed my blessings to could get it done
And all of the dictators they use me my books therefore they are just my sons
Narrator:
The devil was sure that this was the winner
And was just about to put an end to the dinner
But then the man from the banking cartels stepped up said
The Man From The Banking Cartel:
I think I’m the biggest sinner
All of those three depend on me
All they ever do is defending me
Cos I pad for all of the things that they have of course
And all of the lives that they lead
I paid for guns, bombs and the tanks
That's why you'll see there is always more
I turned sciences basic appliance into a client of weapons of war
I paid for monarchies
Armed robberies
I make monopolies of property
I never shot a gun or killed anyone myself but billions dies cos of me
Who needs a threat?
I make a debt out of thin air
Just sit back collect
And whatever they say every single day, the people need me just to connect
But not one of them knows what I look like
But all of them spend my money to look nice
They all want more not one of them is pure
I hold the keys to every single door
I sell sex and drugs and profit and lies
Earth and skies I even sell life
I even sell freedom for the right price
But no one is smart enough to ask me nice
So give me the medal Mr. devil don't be biased
If you don't give it to me
I’ll just buy it
CHORUS:
Thieves
It’s the banquet of the thieves
Come and dine with me
It’s the banquet of the thieves
It’s the banquet of the thieves