The Thieves Banquet Story

Part 1 


Once upon a time in an obscure part of the Milky Way galaxy there was a spinning ball of water and rock ruled by the forces of evil. The devil himself, proud of the magnificent achievements of his children decided to call a special banquet for the greatest thieves in all the land. He sent invites to thousands of the greatest murderers, rapists, pimps and general assorted scum and let them know to attend his palace at the dawn of the new moon. Each thief would be given a chance to stake his claim as the greatest messenger of murder upon the planet and the devil himself would decide who should be crowned king. After many days of deliberating all the petty thieves such as street criminals had been found far short of the required level of wickedness and there were just four sets of thieves left in the competition. They were, the Monarchs of the Empire, A Cartel Of Bankers, The heads of religious orders and the ‘third world’ Dictators. Each set of thieves appointed a spokesman to give his case to the devil; we have recorded these events for posterity.




First up was the thief with the worst reputation

The Dictator of the third world nation

He looked the devil in the eye as he spoke in an oh so serious tone



Dear Mr. Devil I am the greatest thief

There has ever been on the earth

Please tell me who else more than me personifies your work?

I came to power in a military coup

I murdered the elected president

He wanted to use the resources of our country for our own peoples benefit

I proved to masters in the west I could kill my own people

Just was well as the best

So I took over the so-called independent country

When the foreigners left

Sent squads of death for those that suggest

In power should be the one they elect

Erected a statue of the great man

That raped our mothers and stole our lands

That’s how little self-respect that I have

Don't fight slavery it makes me glad

Account in Switzerland, Rolls Royce

Murder and rape cos I want new toys

Don't want a portion but a whole fortune

With that kind of profit what’s a little bit of torture?

Even outlawed my indigenous culture and language and history

And taught our people to only worship colonizers and of course





It’s the banquet of the thieves

Come and dine with me

It’s the banquet of the thieves

It’s the banquet of the thieves



The devil was impressed with this wonderful man

He almost ejaculated on his own hands

But the monarch of the empire said


Monarch of Empire:

Excuse me Mr. Devil

I would like to speak if I may?

But who do you think trained this amateur

Dictator to behave this way?

Yeah I am sure before I came along

His country was far from heaven

But look at the carnage I caused all over the earth its gotta be the work of a devil

Countless deaths mass enslavement

Deliberate starvation of whole nations

The dictator tries his best but looking at me he is just an imitation

Who do you think pays his wages?

He would love to be trading places

I’ve been doing this ting on the roads way back, way back, way back

Since the Middle Ages

Everybody knows he's a criminal element

They think I’m democratic and benevolent

And that shows I’m really devilish

Cos people think I’m heaven sent

I could not care about democracy

You all know no one elected me

But the citizens love me despite my crimes

Sucker emcees wana bite my shine

So blinging so out of control you would vomit

Don't even touch dough but my face is still on it




It’s the banquet of the thieves

Come and dine with me

It’s the banquet of the thieves

It’s the banquet of the thieves


Part 2

Religious leader:

I’m a pervert using the cloak of the clergy. I’m a pervert using the cloak, I’m a despicable character. I use my position of authority and spiritual reverence. I’m a despicable character.


Mr. devil allow me to speak

For all the religious leaders that leech

In the world of creeps I’m initiated

I take the peoples faith and I dissipate it

With false promises, hollow oratory

Don’t need a gun it’s daylight robbery

Dear Mr. devil I thought you would like it

I use their faith in god to keep them blinded

Put on a nice voice, read them a book

Some how they think that I'm not a crook

I tell them go will repay them in the next

They give me their life savings so I can buy jets

All the reports about child sex

None of us have ever gone to jail yet

A system of stealing so appealing

Convinces its victims their lives have meaning

Monarchs boast about conquest

But needed my blessings to could get it done

And all of the dictators they use me my books therefore they are just my sons



The devil was sure that this was the winner 

And was just about to put an end to the dinner

But then the man from the banking cartels stepped up said

The Man From The Banking Cartel:

 I think I’m the biggest sinner

All of those three depend on me

All they ever do is defending me

Cos I pad for all of the things that they have of course

And all of the lives that they lead

I paid for guns, bombs and the tanks

That's why you'll see there is always more

I turned sciences basic appliance into a client of weapons of war

I paid for monarchies

Armed robberies

I make monopolies of property

I never shot a gun or killed anyone myself but billions dies cos of me

Who needs a threat?

I make a debt out of thin air

Just sit back collect

And whatever they say every single day, the people need me just to connect

But not one of them knows what I look like

But all of them spend my money to look nice

They all want more not one of them is pure

I hold the keys to every single door

I sell sex and drugs and profit and lies

Earth and skies I even sell life

I even sell freedom for the right price

But no one is smart enough to ask me nice

So give me the medal Mr. devil don't be biased

If you don't give it to me

I’ll just buy it




It’s the banquet of the thieves

Come and dine with me

It’s the banquet of the thieves

It’s the banquet of the thieves



3 responses
What about another line for a person who stirs up hatred between people simply because their skin colours differ? They really are filth. They say that they are just telling it as it is. They get money & plaudits for peddling their poison. The person is a self-righteous, arrogant hypocrite. They say they're trying to solve the problem that has given them prominence, & that they themselves fan the flames of. What kind of scum is this? A poo-stirring dirtbag, that's who.
2 visitors upvoted this post.